I always say I'm going to get back into posting but I don't! And it's a shame because if I don't keep a record of my life, then there won't be anything to look back on, and I love to look back on old posts and do some memory-surfing from time to time. Ah, c'est la vie.|
Life right now is... good, somewhat stagnant, a little aggravating. First of all, my health -- still don't know if I have Grave's Disease or what, but hopefully will know by the end of June, after I meet with a team of endocrinologists. Until then, things with my hyperthyroidism have been alright, except for recently. I know a ton of people, particularly Americans, have said this throughout time but -- IF YOU DO NOT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, YOU ARE NOT A HUMAN BEING AND WILL NOT BE TREATED AS SUCH. Period. When I was actually in the hospital, I thought my treatment was alright. I really didn't have any complaints, except my room being way too hot, lol. But now for my aftercare, I am being completely shit on by the system. I'm going through a whole debacle with my prescription right now, and hopefully it will all be resolved when I go to the general medicine clinic tomorrow. But honestly, there's nothing worse than the county medical system, and that's a fact. I tried resolving my problems with them over the phone today, and got transferred to a million different departments. I even got transferred to ANOTHER PATIENT. Yep. Me and some dude, both desperately trying to reach the pharmacy before realizing neither of us was a healthcare professional. We had a little laugh about it, so I guess that was an up-side. But goddamn.
As for my job, I now work retail, which I said I'd never do again, but at a very cool place, called American Science and Surplus. The store and merchandise are awesome, of course -- much of it is ever-changing, quirky, or rare, and we never know what we might get each week when the shipment comes -- but what makes this job great is the people and the environment I get to work with/in. All my co-workers are smart, first of all, which is unprecedented for me. They're all very laid back and quite funny, all with really distinct personalities. I have learned a LOT in the short time I've been there, especially about mechanical parts, electrical parts, telescopes, and shit like that. There is always a New York Times in the bathroom and when we're not talking about internet memes, we're generally teaching each other random facts or having intelligent discussions about real world things. It's great. There's a minimal dress code which hardly anyone follows, we listen to whatever music we want, we roller skate in the store, play catch with customers, and can create or build anything we want using the items we sell in the store. It's retail with a purpose and when customers leave, I often feel like I truly helped them. The store has some hardcore fans, too. I'm always joking that there needs to be an AS+S support group. Anyway, the pay is total shit and that's a pretty big downside, but it's close to my apartment. I look at it as an overall quality-of-life issue -- do I like my job? Yes. Do I hate waking up every day and having to go to my job? No. Can't ask for much more.
And lastly, my home life/personal life. Home life totally blows. Living in the living room of my dad's apartment wouldn't be so bad, if the two people I lived with weren't so batshit crazy. My dad's alright. He's very sweet and supportive, always tries to do what's right for us as a family, and has good, pure intentions. But he can tend to have unrealistic expectations, be extremely hypocritical, as well as hypercritical, has some anger problems, and is often unreasonable, not to mention a complete pushover when it comes to... -sigh- ... Jordan. My brother is, without a doubt, the worst, most toxic thing in my life. We definitely have our good days. Sometimes we can go weeks at a time with a seemingly normal, healthy relationship. But when he turns on you, it's a whole different story. He inherited rage issues from my dad and has always shown them as long as I can remember. You never know when he might snap, or what might piss him off. It seems like he wants to have a good relationship with me, but when he's angry, it makes me think that all the times he shows kindness to me are simply so he can get something from me later. Even if I'm not fighting back, Jordan will target my biggest insecurities, then say the most vicious things he can think of, seemingly without regret. Occasionally he does apologize afterwards. He knows that I have very thin skin and won't really fight back, and tries very purposefully to hurt me, because he knows he can. It's easy to simply say, "He just wants to hurt you. Ignore him. Don't listen to him, don't let him bother you," but it's nearly impossible with some of the hateful things he says. It also really bothers me how he speaks to our dad. He has absolutely NO sense of respect, and will say anything to either of us, name-call, invade our privacy, and steal -- he steals money from my dad's drawer almost daily. My dad, as I said, is a complete pushover, and I really think he's afraid of Jordan, because Jordan punched him in the head during one of their fights and gave Dad vertigo -- true story! There's absolutely no follow-through or consequences for Jordan's behavior and so it's only getting worse. But I can't change my dad, or how he deals with Jordan, no matter how hard I try. The only thing I can do is get out. I have to get out of here, before Jordan absolutely ruins my life.
But thank god, there is a counterpart to Jordan that saves me from falling into a desperate depression, and that's David. If all I had in my life was an apathetic father and cruel, spiteful brother who spends the better part of our time together trying to make me cry, I honestly don't know if I'd be able to live out each day. Luckily, I have David. Now, I know I have friends, out there in the world, and I know they'd be there for me if I reached out to them, but... sometimes I casually joke that I have no friends, because sometimes that's what it feels like. It's not anyone's fault, of course. We're all growing up and have jobs. We don't live very close to each other. Our schedules completely conflict. You go long enough without seeing any of the people you're accustomed to seeing on a regular basis and trust me, you do start to feel pretty friendless. And that's why I'm so glad that I have David. While Jordan is telling me how fat, how disgustingly ugly and unattractive I am, David shows me with every glance, every touch, that when he looks at me, he sees a beautiful, sexy woman. It doesn't matter if I'm wearing the most unflattering clothing or if my hair is a total nest (hell, he always says that he prefers my frizzy, crazy hair!), or if I do something embarrassing. It's like he doesn't notice those things. His love for me, his attraction to me, is one of the things in my life right now that I am most sure of, and it's indescribable how comforting that is. While Jordan tells me how I'm a loser, or a failure, David tells me how proud he is of me. He is selfless with me, and patient, and completely open, and it's insane how comfortable I am with him.
Although, as a side note, I'm definitely trying not to let that comfort get in the way of my goals. Namely, my physical goals. I was actually pretty damn confident about my body before, but now that I am getting medical treatment, I have put some weight back on, and it's very apparent. I refuse to become the person I used to be and am now taking my health pretty seriously. I just haven't made any major changes yet... I need to figure out a work-out routine that's right for me, and I know it doesn't include going to a gym. There isn't one close to here, so I know I'd never go, even if I had a membership. That's just a fact. I've been trying to cut out, or at least cut way down, on pop. When I snack, I do so with sugar free candy. I'm trying to choose healthier meals but right now it's super inconvenient, and not a lot has changed. My dad does most of the shopping because there isn't a grocery store within walking distance and I don't have a car. Whenever I work, I usually eat a sandwich from 7-11 with some sort of side dish, be it macaroni salad or chips or something -- yeah, not very healthy. Another reason I hate my living situation is because I live with two men, thus the kitchen is pretty gross. My dad highly encourages (aka yells about) cleaning but Jordan is just terrible. He can't even throw out the wrapper when he eats something. He puts empty ice trays, empty orange juice cartons, empty everything, back into the fridge/freezer. I have literally never seen him wash a dish. EVER. He's so disrespectful of his living space and of my dad's wishes. Therefore, I have little to no motivation to cook or prepare my own meals, because the kitchen is such an uninspiring place. So we eat out quite a bit. Very unhealthy. Meanwhile, I want to possibly invest in a piece of exercise equipment because I truly, truly think I would use it. There's a huge big screen tv here in the living room, so why wouldn't I work out while I watched a movie after work each day or something like that? At first I wanted a treadmill but now I'm convinced I should get an elliptical machine. I really don't know, the whole thing is a confusing mess. I just want to be healthier, it's all I can think about.
So yeah! That's pretty much everything that's going on with my life, literally. XD
Will try to update more, but I probably won't. But maybe I will! Who can say?